Ep. 027 - Becoming a Durable Dad with Tommy Geary
Aug 02, 2023SHOW NOTES
This episode is a game changer! Today we journey into the heart of fatherhood with all-star guest coach Tommy Geary in a stimulating discussion about embracing our inner heroes.
We unpack the wisdom of the 'Hero's Journey' to help you unlock your potential and emerge as a better, more confident version of yourself; a version you would love to gift to your family and community. Geary's philosophy is deeply rooted in heroism and leadership, and he's here to guide you in your journey of becoming a rock-solid dad.
Fatherhood, as we discuss with Tommy, isn't just about providing for the family. It's a role that has evolved over time, demanding more emotional intelligence, presence, and resilience.
From temper flare-outs to taking on an overwhelming amount of responsibility, we confront the common challenges dads face today. Tommy shares his insights on managing emotions and mindset to enhance relationships and productivity.
Finally, we touch upon Tommy's dedicated work in coaching men to be 'durable dads.' If you're eager to learn more about emotional intelligence, better communication, and managing your responsibilities without burning out, this episode is for you. Together, we delve into the concept of ‘Durable Dads,’ and how to cultivate resilience and good energy to create a lasting, positive impact. Don’t miss out on this chance to connect with Tommy and his work; it’s time to step up and become the hero of your own journey.
TRANSCRIPT
Craig Spear:
The way you show up as a dad has a huge impact on your health. Today, I'm bringing in all-star guest coach Tommy Geary to help us become durable dads. Welcome to man in the Arena, your go-to podcast for all things related to health and weight loss for men over 40. Here we discuss strategies that will get you off the sidelines and into the game so you can achieve your optimal health. It's time to lead a legacy of longevity. My guest today is fellow coach Tommy Geary, who helps men like you and me become better leaders, husbands and dads. He's also the host of the Durable Dads podcast, which gives men the tools they need to be rock solid with their work, their community and their family. If you work hard but it feels like you're not doing a good job, you have to connect with Tommy, because he's the guy that's going to help you overcome all the frustration, overwhelm and disappointment you feel. His work is an absolute game changer. Tommy, I'm a huge fan of your coaching and I know the listeners are going to be as well after today. So welcome to the arena.
Tommy Geary:
Sweet dude Happy to be in the arena. Man, it's pretty awesome.
Craig Spear:
Awesome. Well, you're a coach, I'm a coach, we all, you know, we prescribe coaching, we subscribe to coaching, we believe in it and just so the guys can get to know you a little bit better and how you think. What is your coaching philosophy? What guides you?
Tommy Geary:
You know we went to one of the same certification programs. I think, like, my tactics and tools that I use are always changing in coaching what works for different people. But I'd say overall, like I think that we all have an inner wisdom in us and it gets all drained out by all the noise of our everyday life and noise of distractions in the world. And my job as a coach is to help clients, guide them to navigate that noise and freaking, get it out of the way, clear their heads for a little bit so they can find that inner wisdom, that inner desire, that inner knowing. Yeah, so that's my job, that's my philosophy. I think a lot of it is derived from the hero's journey and a lot of our company my wife and I run the company together is really based on the hero's journey. And I don't really talk about it outright that much, but Joseph Campbell's hero's journey pretty much it's like about trying new things and we go on multiple hero journeys throughout our life and stepping into the unknown, being uncomfortable, overcoming obstacles, and as you overcome those obstacles, like the person you become, that's like the power. And when I first started reading about the hero's journey I was like, oh, heroes, it's got to be this like huge big thing, but like everyone is a hero. Everyone has their own hero's journey and when you decide to I don't know go after a goal or whatever, be a dad, if you take on those obstacles, that person you become, the confidence, the accomplishment, the lessons you learn. You get to go back and give that to your family, so people in your life, your community. I guess my coaching philosophy is like I work with guys on their individual in the moment heroes journey so they can unlock that inner potential.
Craig Spear:
Man, I'm inspired, I want to sign up, I want to get going, so I want to be my own inner hero. For sure. You mentioned that it's predicated on a book or philosophy. Someone else you mentioned I didn't catch. Yeah.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, Joseph Campbell. The power of myth is the book and he has a couple other books he passed away, I think in the 90s, I don't know, If you Google heroes journey, you'll see. It's an awesome cycle and you'll see it in. Yeah, I won't go too far into it, but you see it. Once you like see the cycle, you're like, oh, I'm watching Moana with my daughter on Disney and like Moana's on her hero's journey and Moana is stepping into the unknown and so, yeah, it's all those. You'll certainly see the patterns everywhere, yeah, yeah.
Craig Spear:
So you played university football like myself. You went into the kind of corporate world and you know you did the kind of corporate job for a while. Now you're coaching and this is your full-time gig. You run a company and you coach dads. How did you get into this? Why did you get into this and specifically coaching dads?
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, dads. I mean I'm not going to say need a coach, but dads, oh yeah, we need to. You can say it, I'll say it. But no, well, dads, we have a ton of responsibilities. We're both dads, we both own businesses or you have like a job that you really care about. You have your kids, you have your wife. You have all these responsibilities in life and nowadays, men, guys, dads, these responsibilities are different than they were a generation ago. So a generation ago, you know, the dad was the breadwinner and he came home and his job was to go out, make money, come home and kind of chill. He wasn't really as involved in the day-to-day house stuff, whether it's like dishes and running errands and running kids to different activities and just the desire to really be part of raising the kids. I mean, maybe dad was like a disciplinarian, and this is very generally speaking. That's kind of what you know we were raised with. You're a dad that's in his like 30s, 40s. That's the kind of example role model we had. And so nowadays it's totally different and dads need tools. Right, they don't have the tools, they don't have the outlet to really pair them to succeed in this like all-in game of life right now. So I think I started to coach dads because one having that outlet has really been powerful to me. Having to like be able to just have a space where I can voice what's going on in life and maybe get some reflection on how I could change things up, whatever that's been really helpful to me. And dads have a huge impact to make on the world and think about all the light that we touch in our corporate world, in our homes, in our communities and well, I don't know. I just have this like if each dad that steps up into his role and owns his responsibilities like he's making the world a better place. I think just dads is like. I don't know if that's why exactly I got into coaching dads, but that's why I'm digging it and really loving it.
Craig Spear:
Yeah, there is a huge need, and I like how you touched on just how the roles and responsibilities that fathers face has definitely shifted and changed and it's definitely not as one-sided. And certainly we came from a generation where we certainly weren't modeled what the new responsibilities are from our fathers or our caregivers, and so I find personally there's a lot of moments in parenting as being a dad, just how confusing it could all be and how it intuitively feel a certain way, maybe because it was what I was modeled or what society told me or taught me growing up. And yet I have a completely different responsibility than what I instinctively think I should be doing, and so, just for me, that's why I see the value in coaching, how working with you has changed my perspective on being a parent and a father. So, yeah, and I'm glad that you're doing this work, and for the guys listening to this who are dads, that they don't have to just kind of like power through and try to figure it out on their own, like there's options, there's opportunities out there for them to gain support, share what their struggles are, and that, in and of itself, is going to really change your relationship with being a parent and a dad, right.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, the guys are definitely really good at powering through things and wanting to figure things out by themselves and that serves us in a lot of ways to take responsibility and, at the same time, like I think, being a man is also knowing when to ask for help or when to lean on just other people, and it doesn't have to be a coach. That you know. There's men's groups out there, there's, you know. It could be a buddy, but guys get stuck with buddies that you know. We just fall into the role of talking about sports and talking about booze and talking about food and nougus and chicks or whatever, and building some relationships that are, you know, disgusting the hard parts of life, the pain that we have, the frustration, the overwhelm, the anxiety, in like a real way, where we're, you know, not just like I don't know, just supporting each other and having those kind of real conversation, real, real world problems ultimately.
Craig Spear:
And so, speaking of that, as you coach and you coach a lot of different guys and dads and do you see some common threads when it comes to the challenges that the guys you coach are facing?
Tommy Geary:
Most of the dads that I'm coaching definitely have see their temper coming out with their kids. They're high performers, they have their jobs that they're at during the day and I think like a lot of the energy and patience that we have at work gets spent. And then when guys come home, the frustration flares out at the kids and it's not the kids fault and it's not the dads fault and it's something that is sucks right. Like no one likes to yell at their kids. I've never met a dad that, it's like, wants to be a dick to his kids especially.
Craig Spear:
That felt good, just laying in the sun or done a workout.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, exactly. And so it kind of starts there and these guys were carrying a lot of responsibility and it feels like a weight sometimes with all these things we're trying to carry and manage and hold up, and it looks that kind of spills out as temper with your kids or it's saying yes to too many things and taking on too much. A lot of the guys that I work with are figuring out how to prioritize and it creates tension in our relationships at home, like I don't know, dudes aren't the best communicators with their wives and we tend to kind of shut down, and that's another kind of thing. I see a lot and the guys that I'm coaching, they know that when they have someone else in their corner, that they're going to be better. I mean, just like you do for your guys right, like guys that have been trying to lose weight and trying to lose weight and haven't been able to, it's like, oh, this dude can help me, can support me, can champion me, whatever. That's what it's about. And then you know, just like I've listened to your podcast, I know you're coaching from just how we coach and clean up the mindset and we start to manage our emotions. And then you do, you're more patient, you're more productive, you start feeling accomplished and like have a better relationship with your wife. Yeah, it's a cool process.
Craig Spear:
Yeah Well, you mentioned emotions, and one of the things I've always admired about you is your capacity your ability to help guys manage emotions, like think differently about emotions, bring more awareness to them, and I don't know if I struggle with it in my coaching, but I certainly need to improve. I think we can all improve, but that's one area where I want to help my guys learn more about their emotions as of you know whether it's emotional eating or using food to buffer and to not feel what they're actually feeling. So maybe you can bring some insight into the guys who are listening to this, like how you help someone understand their emotions and some of the steps and the work that they can do to better their emotional intelligence.
Tommy Geary:
Ultimately, yeah, it's a subject I like teeter around because, you know, do guys want to talk about their emotions, don't they want to? And I guess if guys are listening to your podcast right, if guys are listening to these types of podcasts then they're ready to hear about it. Yeah, being able to feel, just get from out of our head and into our body, is really really powerful work, and so, you know, I did a podcast, so I have the Durable Dad podcast and I did a podcast on the motions and I listened to I think it was one of your first ones. You did an awesome job talking your listeners through, like one of our superpowers or something like that. So I guess I don't know the way I like to say it is that emotions are real things, they're physical vibrations in our body and a lot of the times we ignore them. So there's this quote by Victor Frankel, the Holocaust survivor. That goes something like between stimulus and response. There is a space, and in that space is our opportunity to grow, is our freedom, is our power and our response. I'm totally butchering the quote, but it's something like that. So I think that that space that he's talking about is our emotions and our thoughts also and so what that looks like. So just to kind of break this down, maybe an example will help. There's a traffic and some dude cuts you off and that's the stimulus right. Someone cuts you off in traffic. You could act by flicking the person off, laying on your horn, screaming out the window, being a hothead, or you can dive into that space of the emotion that's driving that response and notice that your hands get really tense and your arms tighten up and your jaw gets tight and your chest kind of heats up. When that person cuts you off, all that stuff starts happening.
Craig Spear:
Your stomach turns your body temperature, just ready to fight.
Tommy Geary:
Let's go. All that stuff that we described like. That's an emotion and we might label it anger, and the power is recognizing all that, slowing that shit down and feeling it before you respond. You're not like the hothead that responds to in traffic by laying on the horn and whatever at someone else and the kick to the gut or the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the weight of the world on your shoulders, that is all emotion. That's all really there and we tune it out a lot and we tune it out by overworking, by just diving back in and keep going, going, going. It wears on us. It starts to really wear on us when we don't connect with our emotions and then when we do I guess that's the power of it we get to choose how we respond instead of just react to our emotions.
Craig Spear:
The first step is bringing that awareness to it, understanding that, hey, I'm a human being, I have these physical, actual physical reactions, this bodily response to different stimuli, different situations. Once you bring awareness to that, then what do you do? Okay, I feel these things, but now what am I supposed to do with that?
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, that's the choosing to respond how you want to. Sometimes it's interesting and this is the practice of it all. I was talking to a guy a couple weeks ago and we were talking about work and some people at work and this big project. He is coming up and he's got a lot into it, a lot of himself, a lot of pride in what's happening. When people send an email with some words that he's taken as criticism, he starts to feel like this ball in his chest, kind of right in the sternum, and it feels really tight and really hot and he fires an email off, fires back that email that later he's like I didn't really want to fire that email off, defending or blaming back or yeah. Yeah, and when we were coaching about it, he didn't even realize that ball was there. Most of the time we don't realize it's there, but then, like the following week, you kind of like go through your week and you're like, oh, there's the ball again. Oh, that's a signal. What am I doing right now? What am I thinking right now? It automatically slows you down and you have more control over your response, so he can choose not to send that email. He's like oh, there's that ball, reacting to what I'm perceiving as like criticism, and he can take it and not be that hothead and respond in a way that he wants to. However, it's not always that simple. So, like in this case and I don't know if this guy did this, but almost like in a safe way, in a responsible way, allow yourself to react to that emotion and own it, honor it Like it's not a bad thing. We don't want to take that anger or whatever it is and stuff it away. Maybe that anger needs to type out the nasty email and, like you know, throw the swear words out there and call the person as many names as you want to call, but you don't put their email address in the top line and you don't hit send yeah. However, just that motion, and you know I've heard them called hot letters before and I've mentioned it on my podcast. But Abraham Lincoln like there's a cool story, that and that, this is away from emotions, but anyway, abraham Lincoln would write hot letters Like they found a drawer after he was assassinated of all these letters he had written that sounded nothing like him at all Just a way to process what he was experiencing, right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then he gets to respond and be remembered as, like this level-headed guy that was very fair and assertive and, like those letters show, like he still had all that pissed off energy too. He was just able to, like, master his emotions. Yeah, channel it after he had processed it.
Craig Spear:
I think that's key. So you're talking about awareness. You're talking about kind of allowing it to be there, not just reacting and responding. It's important to still feel that emotion. We're not trying to just push it down or get rid of it as fast as we can and try to feel happy all the time, or positive or excited or whatever it is Like. We need to process that, and so, whether it's through a hot letter, whether it's through coaching, whether it's through talking to a buddy, but consciously processing that right, because some people will move to other things that are positive in nature, whether it's exercise or, you know, like overworking or something like that, in a way to sort of try to move beyond those emotions that are hurting them. That's not helpful as well. Right, we still need to process.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, it's so interesting how overworking seems like a productive thing and working out like seems like it's a healthy way to cope and it is in so many ways right, like it's better than like punching a hole in the wall or going off at somebody and hurting somebody else or your relationships. But the processing of the emotion doesn't go away, and so the processing could look like journaling it all out or it could look like so there's the name it to tame it kind of approach where you?
Craig Spear:
Yeah, talk about that. This is good yeah.
Tommy Geary:
So pretty much that is like naming the emotion, using like there's emotion wheels out there. I actually just made a new one that's like dumb down for dudes a little bit, because I think some of them are just a little like. There's like you don't need that many emotions Because really, actually, you name the emotion right Like. I feel shame right now and just by saying that out loud, acknowledging the shame, is taming it a little bit. And then the step further is starting to name what the vibrations feel like. So I feel a pit in my stomach. Yeah, it's about the size of a baseball. It's right behind my navel. We're naming that vibration, naming that shame, Locating it too right Like where is it? Yeah, yeah, locating it, naming it and that's processing Right, like just answering those few questions is already processing your emotion.
Craig Spear:
Yeah, exactly, and I think maybe this is your experience as well. I think the more that you do this, the more aware you are, the more familiar you become with those negative emotions and you realize they're not as intense and they don't hold as much weight as you were probably giving them before by just ignoring them or trying to distract away from them, and so, because of that, you don't feel this need to respond and move away from it as fast, or react and move away from it as fast as possible. You can hold more space for it. Is that similar to what you've experienced coaching guys?
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, like you said, like holding more space for it, totally, and that's right back to that like word, that space from Victor Frankel. There is space that like our brains work so freaking fast and like there's so much that has been patterned in us and this is where, like the mindset work comes in, because with all of that emotion, their thoughts connected to it and they move so quickly that if we don't slow the brain down to acknowledge the emotions, that space just disappears. It operates. Yeah.
Craig Spear:
Yeah, so kind of shifting gears. And, by the way, just to kind of give some more context around emotions and I think guys need to hear that over and over and over again. I know I have and this has been like many years of doing this work, so it's not going to come overnight. So if anyone's kind of thinking like, okay, I get this concept, it still takes time to integrate and work on and over time you do see the impact of that.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, and it's wisdom, right, our body's telling us something and there's wisdom to be known. And, yeah, I have to remind myself that, like it's a process, it's not something you just learn overnight and it's been that way for me and always learning something new.
Craig Spear:
Yeah, okay, so it's kind of shifting gears here. Your podcast is the Durable Dads podcast. Love this name, love what you're about. What is a durable dad?
Tommy Geary:
Well, we're not totally shifting gears, okay, because a durable dad, he weathers the storm, like when shit hits the fan. He stays calm and he's in control of his emotional responses. And the durable dad, he stays in the game. Like this is the game. I'm a dad, I'm a husband, I'm a leader in the corporate world, I'm a leader in my community and we can have the urge to walk away Like we want. I just like. I just want it to be freaking easier and like I wish I was single again or whatever, and walking away could look like overeating or overworking or gambling or whatever. And the durable dad not that he doesn't feel that way sometimes, but he recognizes it and he decides to be all in and like turn back to his family, turn back to his job, and he knows how to like love on his kids. He knows how to be strict without being a hothead. He's vulnerable with people in his life. He can drop his guard a little bit when he needs to and, yeah, he knows that like that's what he stands for, that's what he lives for, yeah.
Craig Spear:
That's the durable dad. I love that. I kind of think of like a guy who like leans a discomfort, is not trying to run away from that and is looking to sort of identify where there's opportunities for him to grow and not just accept status quo. And I see it a lot with guys who we tolerate so much. It's like we tolerate illness, tolerate our own neglect, we tolerate so much and all at the expense of what is like possible for us. There's so much more available to us and way less suffering ultimately.
Tommy Geary:
But we got to that, yeah, and like the guys listening have probably heard the message before. Like, put your mask on before you like take care of your family, like take care of yourself first, and I don't know it's such a true message and I think some people hear it as, like you know, it's self care, bs, whatever. But, just like you said, we neglect ourselves and a little bit like, we do want to sacrifice for our families, but we don't want to be the martyr. We don't want to like die on the sword for our families. We want to sacrifice, push hard, but also make sure that we like are in good shape or in good mental status to like go to bat for everybody.
Craig Spear:
So true, tommy, you've given so many great insights and wisdom here today, and I know that this is going to kind of stimulate some thinking to the listeners afterwards. After they turn this off, they're going to go and really think about this stuff more deeply. But what is one last piece of wisdom that you want to leave the listeners with that they can also take with them?
Tommy Geary:
I don't know, craig, you might be giving me a little too much credit that. I've enjoyed this conversation but, yeah, I guess the biggest thing that I kind of like to think about is that we are impacting the world, people all the time with every decision that we make, and the energy that we bring matters a lot. So when we put good energy out, good energy, whatever that means to you, it's going to make a big impact and it ripples across your family, across your relationships, whatever. So, I guess, just keep in mind for the rest of the day, for the rest of the week you have a big impact, and how do you want to show up? What kind of energy do you want to put out into the world?
Craig Spear:
I love that. It kind of speaks to legacy, which is a big theme in my podcast, Like what is the legacy you're leaving behind. So that ties in really nicely. Tommy, you are such a gem. How can people find you, connect with you if they want to learn more about you? How can they do that?
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, you can search DurableDad with Tommy Geary for your podcast. It'd be the best way. And then tommygeacoachingcom. Go to the website to find all the social stuff, how to work with me and whatever. We got going on right now Beautiful.
Craig Spear:
All right, guys, you heard it, so make sure you head on over to tommygeacoachingcom and listen to the DurableDad's podcast. Tommy, thank you so much for being here today. I truly appreciate it Heck.
Tommy Geary:
Yeah, man, craig, it was awesome talking.
Craig Spear:
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